One of the many great things about being a person is the fluidity of identity.
Today I have officially reverted back to my Actual Self, which was lost many years ago in an era known as the late nineties, early 00’s.
It happened in a humid cellar of a 100 year old high school this afternoon. I was watching 80 of my colleagues participate in a “teacher stare off” while being subjected to listening to Lady Gaga time for the millionth time since my arrival at institute. I sat far away from everyone, deeply engaged in my drawing of a sinking ship and a monster eating faceless shoppers at Macys. I wasn’t angry or rebelling. I was just removed. I was in myself. I grew quiet in a way I haven’t been in a very long time.
On the bus ride home (actual school bus, yes) I took the very back seat and listened to the beatles loud against the blaring pop music as sweat dripped clinging droplets down from my thighs into my shoes. I looked out at all the fallen down, boarded up houses, trash in the overgrown yards. Does trash bother the grass, I wondered? Is there really any reason outside of aesthetics to not litter? I thought of how the clean people in my bus wanted everything to be clean their way. Trash off the ground outside but styrofoam on cold cups to keep their hands dry.. No “black english” accents in the schools. Correct multiple choice selection. One choice. Everyone owning their own clean home and their own clean car. Isn’t it all just one set of ideals placed against another? I’m in the bus with the clean people but I may as well be out in the slums, I mean what does it matter? I mean to say, I didn’t feel invested in any one side. I mean, I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore.
Blame the hormones or what you will but I felt the worse feeling of all wash over me: loneliness.
I was confused about life, about what I was doing in a way that made me want to talk to my mom. This hardly ever happens so it hits hard. I sneezed three times and some people made a point to “bless me” in a way to be sure it could be heard over my ipod.