my therapist mostly talks about herself during our sessions but there is one piece of “advice” she gave me

aka “strategy”

aka “tool in your toolbox”

a sack that is a collection of items

that are words.

my therapy co-opted by buzzwords

anyway – she said when you feel stressed or triggered you just say “It’s may 6 2018  i’m in new orleans, la and I’m safe”

i was like well that kinda sounds like garbage but honestly it is a good way to stay present. i spend all this time, so much time, feeling bits of my past wash up, like chunks of almost-vomit you get when you deep-throat or try a headstand after eating. bile memories of sensate experiences. carpet textures roll under my fingers. smell of someone else’s saliva lingering on my lips, the dry crumble of cake finding a place to be in my insides. the metallic smell of scalp, the loneliness without an ex from long ago. the exhilaration of freedom from them.

but anyway, here we are, it’s may 6 2018. everything feels so harsh and difficult, i sleep roughly. i never sleep without drugs. i hate everything about my life. i am unable to access joy.

i am terrified of summer.

i thought for  a while that if i came off my medication that i would be able to feel more present, more relaxed. but i exist on a high strung level of pure stress. the string plucks and vibrates gently as i hop along, sighing deeply with relief as i get to another day. another morning, with everything feeling annoying and difficult.

i did quit the wellbutrin. maybe  i should try that again.

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