what would give you joy?
what causes you stress?
why do you insist on predicting the future?
today, following my own advice in my previous post, i took my wellbutrin in the morning. it did give me an extra burst of energy and made the fact that i forgot my breakfast endurable but after lunch with dean and a ride home in full afternoon sun, i felt drained. i resisted all plans, all goals and napped. i lack ambition and focus on an alarming level. i used to be able to sit and do work for so long, with so much drive and interest. now everything seems so futile that it’s to the point that tasks aren’t even on my radar. there’s only blips from: Self-Pity, Predicting the Future, Self Disgust, Anxiety.
I napped until the afternoon retreated. I dreamt that lil boy was a kitten and got caught by a kite flying by and flew away. I jumped up and caught him though. he was silent as a snail.
i saw the other side of dean’s house today and it is only one block away from the old house on Banks. It’s nice and a great deal but the way the sunlight comes in, I hate it. and I don’t know, who am I kidding, I can’t be that close to the house. On the walk back, I saw a cat on the street and thought “it’d be good to live around here bc maybe I’ll find LB!” and had to remind myself that he was burned. they found his body. he is gone.
i can’t lie: I don’t believe it.
I keep telling myself that this is a hard time that I will recover from. I’ve recovered from a lot of things and there a lot of things I have now that I take for granted:
- my physical health
- my financial sorta stability
- my awesome job
- my freedom from family and relationship obligations
i want to go back to the house while i can, but also i can’t. maybe i need to? no, i shouldn’t.
after my nap i laid on the bayou for sunset and drank a kombucha. the concrete felt warm like it’d been placed in a heater. went for a short run up the jeff davis overpass. it really feels like dying but also like getting clean.