my healing is not in a linear path and i find that very frustrating. I will be really good, ok and then back to where i was weeks ago the next day, next moment. i am struggling with being present in my self. i had a real panic last night. and then today i am OBSESSING over how they wronged mew, how the lied. like a detective. the worst thought is that they didnt love me. I cannot bear that thought. I wish they were here to re-assure me. to tell me it’s insane to think they don’t love me, that i’m not smart and beautiful. that i’m not allowed to talk badly about myself. fuck, i hate that i need that validation. i always do this in relationships. i have a totally manageable sense of self and then once i date someone, i give t all away in exchange for what the other thinks of me. and iot takes moths to recover. ive recovered before. but this, fuckm it’s so final. i cant just se them. ever. they are in the ground.
i want and sometimes believe they are in my heart as well. im in high danger of becoming “spiritual” which i very much resent, as a rule, but I’m learning to realize that I don’t know everything about who i am. what a selfish activity though- to delve into more of who i am. as if there aren’t other people around.
I tried to go to pagoda on my way to work to sip my expensive pour-over decaf and read and “relax” – shake off last night. but the phoniness of others filled me with disgust. eh, it’s not rage, it’s true I’m hardly ever angry anymore. frustrated, yes, but anger, I don’t really have it. remember to count your blessings, your steps forward and back, back, back.
i feel my hair thinning and my chin fattening up. my size six pants fit me, i haven’t even tried the zeroes i usually wear. i relish sweets and food. it’s all i look forward to. but i am pms-ing so i like to forgive myself. when will this period come and wash away these feelings. ugh help.