dec 23

every room i go into is pleasant and then, it isn’t. it’s taken me many rooms to notice the common denominator is me. i make rooms unpleasant. this place was full of light and now it isn’t. i brought the dark. the dark is in me.

i know bc i keep thinking it’s the place. like, “i have to get out of this place” my room, my house, my office, my classroom, puerto rico hostel, perfect beach, warm cafe, bustling library. then i go to a new place and well here i am. the dark creeps in. it only take a couple hours, at first i am joyed at being in the new place. i jump up and down even. i make sounds of pleasure and contentedness. then, it comes in. fuck! “oh no, not this place too” i have thought too many times, now I know it is me. i bring the dark. i am the dark.

and in this place at this time again, i turn to face my dark. i turn to face myself in the most terrifying rawness.

i admit i do think that if you were here to love me all the dark would melt away. why didn’t i protect myself from your love? every moment i am pulled further and further from the memory of you. your warm skin, girly hips. the way you’d look at me through those impossible lashes, your lips surrounded with holes from abandoned piercings. god i wish i could remember what we talked about. i wish i could recall with ease, the energy that hung between us. it was love. we loved each other. right? did you love me? the doubt is the darkness. blooming inside me fast. it takes up all the space of me. it takes up the spaces im in. fucking free me.



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