dec 24

i only got through 5 sun salutation A’s last night before I was overcome with nausea, yet toda i woke with my thighs burning. am i really starting from the beginning? today i pushed through to sun B and told myself muscle memory. is a thing. my body would remember how to be well. my body would become aroused by the contraction of my muscles and slide into the memory of tautness, strength, happiness. it was hard. i do feel that my mind gets all stuck in my head and when i exercise, i spread out. i remember me throughout my whole body. but now, all my clothes are tight, my breasts are full, a cup size larger than usual. my belly falls to the side when i read in a way that reminds me of lovers that i’ve secretly judged. all my valor about being thin is coming up into my mouth now. just force yourself, make yourself and then it will click. all the little adages i told myself to tell my future self, to tell me, now. they echo heavy, ironically, cruel. i want to heal by doing nothing. i want to heal with naps and baths and calling out sick and laying in the sun. i want to heal by not doing the work.





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